Everyone loses a part of his self; lost in memories we try to escape, memories we try to forget but which are too vividly stuck in our minds haunting us every night while we’re more vulnerable than ever.
Thoughts, memories, emotions watching every move we make marking their territories and slowly trying to consume our deepest parts…Throwing darts and successfully aiming them, bringing us down to the lowest points we could ever be, self-hating, name-calling, one of the most beautifully created creatures on earth. With all it’s perfect imperfections.Yet how can we not notice it?. They say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I say beauty lies within us, when we’re down, in the most sincere parts of our hearts, when we smile, when we’re vulnerable that’s what I find beautiful.
Living a life thinking how different things would be if you had changed certain parts. Losing the dearest person of all was like losing myself, since, I was a part of her. Depression seemed stronger than her love for me. And yet again I understand what she felt like, but at the same time I don’t. We had both lost the head of our home, but I wanted her to fight, I needed her to fight for me, but I guess the battle was stronger than the love of a mother for her daughter.
Growing up life was amazing; no worries, no misgivings, until my father died. My indignation and the feeling of abandonment were alarming at times. And yet it was expected because of what I was going through. As for my mother, time was indefinite. Often, it was difficult to think about the loss of my father. My mother’s attitude would change in a split of a second and even though I had to be strong for myself I needed to be stronger for her. When I looked in her eyes fatigue and pain seemed to control it. And as the darkness afflicted her soul more than ever she looked older and was not as exuberant as she used to be.
One day as I arrived from school I went to look for her but she was nowhere to be found. And as I went to the balcony I saw half of her body hanging out and half in and as she looked at me with crying eyes full of despair I knew I had to change her mind, but it was too late, she jumped and as my eyes began to cry and I looked for air to breathe, she averted me. And I grew up sequestered from the world, exonerating myself of the death of my parents.